Random Thoughts Of An Uneasy Mind #1

Semester ended on 16^th December. It was one insane semester. I couldn’t even have had a firm grip over the happenings of my life in college and the time passed. But then, it always does. You can never control life. The control that you feel over your shit is just apparent; there is no real control over anything. Things happen as they ought to be. The choice you seem to have does not makes any sense; you would make the same choice, over and over again, knowing all the consequences and the manner it will shape the future. You’d choose the same thing because that’s who you are. Choices cannot change you.

People are leaving, one by one, group by group. The crowd at the hostel is getting thinner with each passing moment. We’re just a fistful of people left. Soon, they’d be gone too and it will be only me left here with a friend of mine. A lot of people were in too much of a hurry to go home. I saw them leaving after just one hour of the last exam. Home is a good place to be at. I too love my home and I am majorly missing my parents but still I’m staying back here. I’m not asking them to stay back, I’m asking them to just delay their departure for a few days. You know, have some good relaxing time with friends. Go out with them, eat together at some fine place, share a few moments together, have some deep talks like you never had before, open your heart to someone and see the relief it brings. But then, that’s all your discretion. I made a choice to stay back and I would do the same every time I’m presented by such a choice, because that’s who I am. I stayed back on the pretense of a conference happening next week but I guess I did it because I really wanted to have some alone time to calm down my uneasy soul and mind. And now my friends are leaving too. My roommate left a few hours back. I was lying on my bed while he was going. He said bye and wished me a happy new year and I wished him the same but I did not really get up. It was taking too much effort. But then I finally got up and walked till the door to see him off. I’m not good at goodbyes. People going away somehow makes me sad and I don’t know how to deal with it. That’s why I always try to keep it short and simple. Just a bye, maybe a handshake but that’s all. No hugs, no long talks, no promises. I can’t stand all that.

But then, I enjoy solitude and that is what I’m looking forward to. With no one around here, I will no longer have to be pretend to be normal and mannerly and courteous. I can hold morality in no regard and that is what I really want to do. To quote Nietzsche, “Morality is just a fiction created by the herd of inferior humans to hold back a few superior men.” I can now shed all the pretenses that I usually put up and I can see my true face once again. I can cry if I feel like crying and there would be no one to ask me ‘what is the matter’. More than often I’m crying inside while I put up an all funny and happy face so that no one looks inside me. I don’t really want people to come close and look inside me and find my hidden ugliness. I want them to stay at a distance. Only the most privileged ones will get to cross that distance. But then once again, don’t we all put up appearances for the world and remove them in the solace of solitude and darkness. Don’t we all keep people away from the true nature that lingers beneath the mask that we wear all day long? Maybe we do, maybe we don’t. But about myself, I think I’m a troubled soul but I still could not figure out what is that that troubles me. But it doesn’t even matter. I’m doing just fine in my solitude with my coffee.