Random Thoughts Of An Uneasy Mind #2

It’s late again. I’m in my comfort zone, at least physically. However, my head is exploding with all these thoughts that I’m unable to chain. There are just too many tabs open in my brain and I’m trying to navigate them one at a time but it doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

Yesterday was Valentine’s day. Nothing special happened, though. It was a damn hectic day and I was feeling sleepy all day long.  Over the years, a lot of cynicism has grown against the Valentine’s day. People who are unable to love take over the social media to joke about the day. I personally don’t have any problem with people who celebrate it as a day of love. I, actually, like the concept of having a day to celebrate something. I mean, it is good to take out a day from the year to acknowledge something that we knowingly or unknowingly practice every day. But, I am firmly against the commercialisation of Valentine’s Day by the corporates. You cannot just buy love or put a price tag upon it; and if you can then it is surely not love. Also, by doing what they do, these corporates are giving a false hope to people which ultimately leads them to desperation. What I’m saying may sound as a cliché, but sometimes the only way of saying things is the way it has been said, a thousand times. And about the cynicism, there is nothing as tragic as a young cynic, because it means that a person has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing.

Sleep is still not finding its place inside me. It is eluded as a lover whom you carve with your imagination in the hope of meeting them someday but you never really do. On the personal front, things have been rather incomprehensible. I lately resigned from a position of responsibility, which was given to me with the utmost trust of people who put me there, against the advice of almost everyone who knew about me. I did it because I didn’t want to work anymore there. And I believe when you do not find your soul willing to do something you just shouldn’t do it, no matter what. Quoting Bukowski, “I do not have time for things that have no soul”. No matter how beneficial the position could’ve been for me, personally and academically, no matter how well it could have adorned my resume, I quit because I wanted to, and that’s that.

However, most importantly, I’m being eaten up by the demons of my recent past. I killed what I believed to be a soulful relation between me and another person. There was pretty nothing between us anyhow, but I did like to talk to her and share my honest thoughts with her and that sort of built a connection between us. And the way the things are now, it just doesn’t look good to me. I’m mighty tired of it. I want to change them, I really do. I want to do whatever it takes to make amends for the mistakes I made out of my own stupidity. I know that until things are set right I will never be able to make peace with myself. But at this very moment, I can only pour my heart out here on the blog and even then, I cannot write everything because I have so much to say to you that I'm afraid that I shall tell you nothing.

Maybe after writing about the one thing that crawled under my skin and kept me up every night, I can finally sleep.


Good night. 

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